Paranoia vs. the usual life

I think that if my Dutch friends would know what goes on in my mind half the time they would be shocked, baffled and not my friends anymore.

Safety is a daily chore (or even choice) for me, in stark conflict with European-born-and-bred friends.

I am always aware.
Of the car driving behind me, the pedestrian stopping at the red light and the person shopping a little too close to me.
The guy coming out of the lift smiling a little too friendly.
The woman staring at me on the tram.
And even the teenager watching me from the opposite side of the tram rails.

Now, I have been accused of being paranoid.
But as a good friend once said: “Just because you´re paranoid, doesn´t mean they are not out to get you.”

Ok, jokes aside. I am a thousand percent more aware than the standard person here. And I would like to believe that it would protect, or even rescue me one day.

But as you can imagine, it also brings a burden. It is not relaxing being so alert all the time. I always think twice before driving at night – something that almost never crosses anyone´s mind here. I double check the lock on my door – which is apparently good in Amsterdam! And I don´t like walking around after dark.

But one thing is sure: it is all I know. It is a life that I am used to. And I doubt if any amount of years living here will ever get that out of me.